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30 August 2011 @ 11:27 am


*Collective Elven gasp*

"Dead branches fall from the trees, decompose, fertilize the soil, and feed the bugs. Stepping on the branches speeds up the process of decomposition, which feeds the forest faster. You shouldn't be penalizing me, you should be THANKING me!"

The room fell silent. Every elf present stared at their feet. A few shuffled around uncomfortably.

From that day forth, the elves assembled daily twig branch snapping parties, which ran through the forest, stomping on every branch they saw. They made me their King, because I was smart. And I had all these hot elf chicks hanging around.

And we all lived happily ever after. The end.
25 July 2010 @ 10:30 pm
So I take a delivery down to Avondale Street. The delivery slip says to go around back. Fine, I get there, I go around back. There is a sign on the door that says "ring doorbell". I press the doorbell button.

No answer.

I knock on the door. For five minutes.

No answer.

I call them.

No answer.

So I bring their pizza back to Pizza Hut. As I am pulling into the parking lot, she calls me back, asking me if I need directions to Avondale Street. No, bitch, I know where it is. It's impossible not to know. And I was just there.

So I pull up to the window and tell the manager that this delivery is going to be flagged as late by the computer because I have to run back down there again. When I get there, I go around back. I knock on the door. She opens it and gives me an attitude.

"It says ring doorbell."

"Yeah, I did that the first time."

"Oh. Well... we just fixed it."

Yeah, I bet you just fixed your door, too. Couldn't hear people knocking on it before.
30 June 2010 @ 12:34 pm
I asked for his Area Code, he gave me his Zip Code.

I asked for his phone number, he gave me his Zip Code.

I asked for his LAST NAME, he gave me his Zip Code.

Not once did I ever ASK for his Zip Code, but I got it three fucking times.

Congratulations. You're Caller of the Day, and it's only 12:30.
29 June 2010 @ 10:10 pm
So today I went to The Hot Dog Shoppe. When you pull in there, you have your choice of two lanes: the close lane next to the window, or the far lane with an overhead carriage system. I always go through the window lane because I know that people are dumb. Everyone else must know this, too, since that lane was backed up into the street, but the carriage lane was completely empty.

I was perfectly content to sit in the middle of the street, waiting for room to pull into the window lane, but of course a car came up behind me so I had to get out of the way. I pulled into the carriage lane and placed my order. It came to a total of $3.79. I put $5.80 in the cup and pressed the Send Button.

Now, anyone working a cashier job should be able to do this in their head. $5.80 minus $3.79 equals $2.01. Even if they can't do that in their head, the register will tell them anyway.

The tray came back, with my hot dogs and my change. I got $1.01. Close, but no. I pressed the Help Button.

"...Did you NEED something?" She was annoyed at me for pressing the Help Button. Be annoyed at yourself, bitch, it's YOUR fault I'm pressing it.

"You said it was $3.79, right?"


"I gave you $5.80. I should get $2.01 back. You only gave me $1.01. I should have another dollar."

"...Alright, send it back over."

I pressed the Send Button and waited for several minutes. When the carriage finally came back, I expected to get another dollar and be on my way. Close, but no. She sent me another $2.01.

Did she... I mean... Oh, hell, I don't fucking know. I pressed the Help Button again.


"Yeah, this time you sent me too much."

"...Alright, send it back again."

It's too bad the refrigerator broke or else I'd eat hot dogs every day.
14 June 2010 @ 06:21 pm
David A no longer works at Pizza Hut because, last night on a delivery, he ran over a house.

Apparently, it all started when he got the car stuck looking for May Street. How he got stuck is an altogether different story that I'd love to hear. I mean, as long as you stay on the road, you won't get stuck, right?

Anyway, he couldn't push it free, so he put it in gear and tried again. It worked that time. Funny thing about the May Street area, though: it's on the steepest hill in town. Once the car was free, he wasn't catching it.

Oh, and it wasn't his car, either. It was his father's.

Farewell, David A. Your life may be over, but your legend will live on forever.
13 June 2010 @ 11:31 pm
I love shrimp. Not only are they good, they're good FOR you. They're full of Omega-3 Fatty Acids, whatever the fuck those are. I just tried my new recipe for my World-Famous Lemon Shrimp, and it's pretty good! Follow along below and you'll soon find out why they're World-Famous!


-a stove
-a deep pan
-a wire ladle thingie from Wal-Mart. They pick up shrimp and let the oil through.
-a mixing bowl
-a wire wisk
-a solid measuring cup
-a liquid measuring cup

Now that you've got all that, it's time to move on to the ingredients:

-one solid measuring cup of flour (remember to pack it)
-one whole egg
-one rough estimation of one tablespoon of salt
-one rough estimation of one tablespoon of sugar
-one rough estimation of two tablespoons of Canola Oil (you can use vegetable oil but it's full of fat)
-half a cup of water
-quarter cup of lemon juice (I use Real Lemon)
-quarter cup of milk (I use 2%)

Mix that shit in your bowl with your wisk. Now you'll need:

-enough Canola Oil to fill your pan halfway up with it

Your pan should be narrow, like 5 or 6 inches across, but as deep as possible. You WILL be splashing oil all over the god damned place. It's unavoidable.

Now you need to heat the oil. This part is hard to say for certain, as it depends on the type and condition of your stovetop. I'm using an electric stove with bad burners. I start at 7. Halfway through I can lower to 6, and towards the end I can drop it down to 5.

While the oil is heating, make sure there's adequate ventilation. I'm talking windows, fans, whatever you can do. It won't be thick, but you will be producing a fair amount of smoke. Without a breeze it will become thick.

Next you'll need to grab your bag of shrimp:

-one red and yellow bag of Wal-Mart Large Shrimp

There are also Small Shrimp, Medium Shrimp, Extra Large Shrimp, and Colossal Shrimp. Large Shrimp are the best value, and the perfect size. All of these varieties are already peeled and fully cooked. They should be thawed out by the time you begin. If not, you can run some warm water into the bag.

Now you're ready to deploy a Test Shrimp. Grab a shrimp by the tail and dip it into your bowl of Evil Kieben's World-Famous Lemon Batter. It should be nice and thick, like pancake batter. Let it drip a couple'a times, and then drop it into the pan of oil. It should start sizzling immediately. If it sinks to the bottom and just KINDA sizzles, the oil isn't hot enough yet. The batter should begin to solidify the instant it hits the oil. Conversely, if it turns black as soon as it hits, you're too hot. Set the stove down a notch and wait about 10 minutes.

If you're careful, you can hold the shrimp in the oil for one second before you drop it. This will give the batter time to solidify and prevent it from sticking to the bottom of the pan. (Once the batter solidifies the shrimp will float). Don't fry your fingers!

Let the shrimp swim around in the oil for about 15 seconds. You'll know you've got the time and temperature right if it comes out kinda golden-brown like Applebee's or whatever. Pluck it out with your wire ladle thingie and set it on a plate. I like to use a ceramic plate with a paper towel or paper plate over top of it, to soak up excess oil in the meantime.

As you are cooking one shrimp at a time, I recommend just munching on them as you go. If you've got a dinner guest, encourage them to do the same. My shrimp didn't get to be World-Famous for being cold.

If you like, you can make some rice or noodles to go with them. I'm not big on sides, as they're typically full of starch and carbs. A nice glass of red wine is perfect, though.

I know you're supposed to drink white wine with seafood. Fuck you.

Now you've got a pan full of hot used Canola Oil. I guess if you've got a city sewage system you could just dump it down the sink, but I wouldn't do that even if I had city sewage. That bag those shrimp came in is resealable, so once the oil cools off, (this can take a VERY long time, by the way), just pour it into the bag and seal it. Drop it in the trash (good), or the dumpster around the corner (better).

If you're feeling adventurous, save the batter and try making pancakes out of it. A word of warning, though, I've never heard of World-Famous Lemon Pancakes. The batter breaks up pretty well in hot water, so you can probably just wash this down the sink.
09 June 2010 @ 02:08 pm
So maybe i'll change my mind. If Nang's still around then i'll keep posting. She can laugh at the stupidity I deal with and maybe smile for a bit. I made this thing for her anyway.

So I went to the drive through at Arby's. I like cappuccino, iced is okay, and McDonald's has a frappe but I think it's just artificial coffee flavour added to it, and it's like $3 too. But hey, Arby's has a jamocha shake, and it's only $1, so i'll try that. Besides, Arby's Girl is pretty cool, maybe I can turn her into Arby's Girlfriend. The jamocha shake would give me an excuse to go to Arby's every day.

Arby's Girl wasn't there. It was Redneck Girl instead. I pulled up to the speaker and she asked me what I wanted.

"Yeah, your jamocha shake, does it have caffeine in it? Is it real coffee or just coffee flavour?"

"What size do you want?"

"No, I'm asking you if it has real coffee in it, or if it's just artificial coffee flavouring?"

"...It's a blend of chocolate and coffee."

"I know that. I want to know if the coffee is real or artificial?"

"...It's chocolate and coffee mixed."

I know that. I even heard someone else on her end tell her I know that.

"Forget it. Just give me chocolate. "I'll just look it up online later."

So I pulled around to the window.

"I think they mix them together."

Hmm. Redneck Girl just might be dumb enough to go out with me!
03 June 2010 @ 11:24 am
You know how when you're making a delivery to a house, that turns out to be a duplex, that has two mailboxes on it, both of which say 1014, no A or B, and your delivery slip likewise only says 1014, no A or B, and there are no cars parked outside, and no lights on anywhere in the house, so you knock on both doors, and of course nobody answers either one of them, so you decide to call them on your cell phone, which you don't have, because only five minutes before you decided to put it on the charger, so you tromp back through their junkyard that they use for a driveway, get on your phone, and call them, but they don't answer, and instead you get their voice mail, hoping that it's the right number because the people who take these orders never check and the voice mail doesn't say, because all it is is a song that they recorded themselves by holding their phone up to the radio, so the sound quality sucks, you can't even tell what it is that you're listening to, it hurts to hear and it's two minutes long, then when you finally get to leave your message, telling them that you are Pizza Hut and that they are not coming to the door, would they please come to the door, and then you have to wait another five minutes while the call goes through and their phone rings and they look at it and say to themselves, "Hmm, I don't recognize that number, should I even listen to it?", but eventually curiosity gets the better of them and they get your message, so they sneak up to the window on the second floor and stare at you to make sure that you really are Pizza Hut and not the Repo Man PRETENDING to be Pizza Hut, so then once they're satisfied they finally drag their lazy asses downstairs and open the door, saying, "Sorry about that", and the first thing out of your mouth, without even having to think about it, is, "That's okay, I'm used to it"? That's honesty right there.
26 May 2010 @ 03:19 am
Oh my god, this shit's hilarious. Even more so because it wasn't intended to be.

20 May 2010 @ 01:26 am
Saw this guy at work today. Decided he deserved to be on the internet.

He sat there for an hour, as cars parked and weaved all around him.